| I
felt that my mind have really become stronger than
last time.
I
have never thought I did wanted to give up during
the making of this album, given such a strong-willed
person like me.
But
I immediately kicked away that negative mindset
and pressed on, in which I successfully finished
the production.
Maybe
you all think I'm a stong-willed person, and I
do, too.
Although
I'm really such a person, but there was a time
when I nearly chose to give up.
Since
I stand back up again after failures, I am sure
you guys can too.
We
may met with numerous obstacles, harm, injury
or setbacks,
I
hope nobody here feels unsettling.
This
shall not be the end, there must be a day where
the journey can continue.
I'm
not a pro-active person, okay? (laughs)
I'm
just a lucky girl whose being successul a bit
earlier.
Some
may take a longer time,
As
it may so, I still think everyone will succeed.
There
are a lot of incidents happenned in the past,
and I always thought that it doesn't matter anymore
should anything happens now. But that's not the
case.
No
matter what, I can still be singing and talking
like this, can't I?
The
year 2008 marks the 10th anniversary of my debut.
So
I also wanted to go to places that I never been
there before,
I
really look forward to see everyone!
You
guys must wait for me!
It
is already becoming a norm for AYU to release
her new albums around the New Year, and of course
year 2008 is not excluded. It's called "GUILTY"
and it really depends on personal interpretation
about the meanng of the title. But let's not make
it sounded so nice. The real meaning of GUILTY
stands for "AYU is AYU". To sum that
up in the place of "return to the very beginning",
it would actually be better if we use the term
"rebirth".
I
think this is a nice album. The word "nice"
does have a lot of meaning, or it is full of thoughts.
Although I tend to praise previous albums like
"MY STORY", "(miss)understood"
and "SECRET", these albums harbors sense
of accomplishments that were different to each
releasement. It does feel a bit like times when
I'm making "DUTY" or even "LOVEPPEARS".
That means I feel like, "I'm doing these
albums fine" or "luckily I did these
albums".
In
these few years, I would just simply say words
like "I somehow did a good album that can
dedicate to everyone" and then concludes
an entire year. However this time, I didn't feel
the same serene feeling after released my latest
album anymore, instead I feel a bit of pain until
now. Nonetheless I still regard this album as
successful. The process was smooth when I was
compiling "SECRET", that not only it
gives me confidence, and the arrival of sudden-thoughts
such as "Oh, this album was made because
of this purpose" or "This song was written
during the time when I was hurt, but was unable
to heal it."
However
I didn't get the same feeling this time around.
There's nothing emotional about this album, it
was just finished in a breath. But when I examined
the songs' lyrics from my album, I was astonished
that they somehow are telling a story. "How
could it be?" I asked. (Laughs)
This
kind of mood, is totally different from the usual
feelings I had when I finished other albums. It's
the same heart-pounding sensation when I first
made "Duty".... [It is all right just
by crying everything out and throwing tantrums
all around?] I really enjoyed myself when I was
in the process of making this album, and wasn't
care about it until the result makes me wanna
take a few steps back (Laughs). I can still feel
that anxiety even right now.
Indeed,
We do experienced the way that the lifestyle of
AYU between "MY STORY" and "SECRET".
The sense of recuperation and fellow-ship was
somehow not the same. "GUILTY", this
time however, should substitute the word "same"
with "coherence".Interpersonal struggles
and dilemmas had awakened without one's awareness.
The sensation of impulsive-rush ravages from the
heart, and that is exactly the feeling when singing
"DUTY".
I
think that is true, of course. It is truly considered
a "magnum opus" by me. Although these
years I had released several albums that received
positive feedback, the confidence were like semi-hidden
within these albums. Higher confidence yields
better albums -- but it will make the name "AYUMI
HAMASAKI" go thinner. More people would be
saying that "AYUMI HAMASAKI" was part
of the album than mentioning that the albums had
replaced "AYUMI HAMASAKI". However this
time, the albums "GUILTY", "DUTY"
or even "LOVEppears" had me felt that
"AYUMI HAMASAKI" had replaced them all.
Perhaps such thoughts were originated from some
of my personal worries, however I'm very sure
that these albums can help me share some of them.
it's
a bit of surprise when we hear the long-lost word
"worry" from between AYU's lips.
Certainly,
I wanted to let everyone hear me say this, but
then I had doubts on that... "Everyone should
be able to know how I feel after I say such a
thing, which it never backfires." I am pretty
sure on that. Overall, It may seemed dark, but
I had never say things like, "Everybody please
bring on your courages and hopes and live on bravely."
Maybe the darkness feeling was caused by my insecureness.
Ayu
seems to also have sensed the major differences
of this album from the others. We had felt something
has been created in an inspiring way. For AYU
who is going to be celebrating her 10-year-old
career in 2008, What kind of an existance of the
album "GUILTY" is to you?
You
can say that it is a miracle. There's virtually
no inspiration at all at the time of composing
this album from the start. Frankly speaking, I
really didn't have much energy to create a new
album in the year 2007. There is no meaning at
all if I force myself to squeeze out something
even if I can't do that. I was thinking that it
is better off doing the album in a laid-back attitude,
because it would make everyone unhappy, and do
no good to myself should I bulldoze it, it's true.
But
one day I suddenly took up a pen and started to
write song lyrics. It was said that I wanted to
write but actually I HAD TO WRITE IT no matter
what. I was like, "I still can't stop singing
and writing lyrics." And five songs were
born becaue of that in the very same day.
It
might be some sort of a sign to me, that perhaps
wanting me to produce this album no matter what.
But, there were a lot of thoughts like, "Maybe
it doesn't work", and caused the whole producing
process to pause.
I
am usually not a person that gives up easily.
but I really did had the phrase , "Oh well,
these problems does exist!" , "Just
accept whoever I am, will ya guys?", and
I just basically surrendered to the crew. And
I hate myself being like this.
At
the end, I somehow felt, "gotta finish it
up", and I withdrew all my previous negative
thoughts the very next day (laughs). I got stronger
from that day onwards, and fulfilled all my planned
scheduled which was nearly impossible to accomplish.
I
finally understood that giving up is really the
worst I could ever done, and from then on, I always
think like this, "I shall never give up".
GUILTY,
about the meaning of this title given to this
album, meant the abbreviation of "A TITLE
given by one's ownself, as it refers to one's
current state or way of living". But are
there anyone who is really "clean" in
this world? Maybe they hurt someone even thought
the hadn't done it on purpose, for example, lying
and other minor offenses which can be found on
everyone by right...
I
have carefully done alot of soul searching regarding
the issue of "feeling guilty, but still life
has to go on" whenever I was composing or
performing. No matter how people feel sinful,
since we are alive and kicking, then we should
continue living on the best we could whether we
are sad or happy.
Those
who had listened to "SECRET" will perhaps
perceive that the album somehow acts like a movie
that infinitely repeats itself no matter played
from which track. And "GUILTY" is like
a trilogy that spans from the first track to the
last, which no tracks whould be left out in order
to preserve its completeness. Then it feels like,
"Even if it's like this I still have to...".
Maybe this is exactly the "Life must go on"
perspective brought up by AYU.
If
there's anything special about this album, then
maybe it's about I cried when I first listened
to GUILTY. Basically I do not listen to my own
songs. I always calm down whenever I finished
recording, and judge my songs as a third party,
or thinking about some parts of the song such
as "This part of this song maybe wasn't that
easy to sing". This time it isn't both of
these perception, because I couldn't stop crying
during the song and I would always do something
else in the middle of the song (laughs). But if
I listen to it again I would think, "it's
great to be alive", definately.
*Posted with permission of and
translated by Isaac Hiew.
*Translated from Cawaii! March 2008 International
Chinese edition, Page 15, 18
*17/March/2008
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